More, please?

"More, please?"

Those two words have changed my life. No joke. My heart probably whispers those words more often than any other sentence. (Oddly enough, those two words always remind me of Dickens' 'Oliver Twist'. But that's totally beside the point.)

I shall try to explain what these words have done in my life, or rather, what happened to cause me to say this. But I can't promise it will make any sense; I'm not at all certain that I understand it myself.

It all started Sunday, May 17th, 2009, at 12:45 PM (Yes, I have it right down to the minute!). That moment in time changed my entire future. A friend introduced me to the man who would become the love of my life. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about Him since. Not a single day goes by when we don’t talk. Every morning there is a letter sitting on my nightstand full of encouragement and love. Long conversations in the middle of the night that no one knows about, love letters that are pages and pages and pages long, secret gifts that no one else would recognize…

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our bumps in the road. I’ve failed him so many times –hanging out with those who hate him, with those who want to steal me from him; just being plain selfish and refusing to care about what he cares about. There have been times when I scorned his letters, disregarded his love, and turned my back on all that he’s wanted to give me. But no matter how many times that I -in weakness, or bitterness, or anger- have tried to forget that I ever met him, and that I love him... I just haven't been able to. In fact, every time I give up trying to forget he exists, I just find myself loving him even more than I did before. It's a perplexing cycle, at times. Some would call it obsession.

As any of you who know me even a little have guessed, this man’s name is Jesus. Jesus Christ; Son of God; the same yesterday, today, forever; King of kings, Lord of lords; Prince of life; my one and only Beloved. I am beyond lucky that He found me.

In many ways, the past two months have felt like years. He has gently asked me to submit to His wisdom in so many areas where I was simply terrified to walk any further away from my comfort zone. There were times when I wasn’t even sure He existed; times when I was just plain mad –at Him, for giving me these circumstances, at people, at myself…times when I was certain that I couldn’t keep living for even one more moment unless things changed. Everything I touched crumbled to dust.

And finally, He brought me to a place where I just didn’t have anyone else to rely on. I didn’t have my parents’ advice, I couldn’t talk with my brothers, I didn’t have my best friend to cry to. I was totally and completely cut off from all that had kept me from falling totally helpless on the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ. I literally had no one else to turn to, no other strength to rely on.

And that is when He filled me with Himself in such a way that I still cannot even begin to explain what has happened. The only word that comes even close, I think, is ‘security’. All the circumstances that would have thrown me into emotional turmoil and physical trauma I now seem to view at a distance. It’s as if there is some wall, some protection, between me and these difficulties. That protection is the loving hands of God. My perception of reality has changed. It’s not as if I am ignoring my issues, or these trials which are still so very present. Rather, it’s that I am secure in Christ’s love. I see and feel what is going on in the tangible world around me, but what my soul knows, what I really stand upon, is the person of Jesus Christ, and His love for me. Nothing else touches me.

Really, the driving force in my life, my heart's desire, is more of Jesus. More, more, more! Jesus has changed my life in such a way that I can no longer imagine my days having any meaning or stability without His presence. I want more. More truth, more love, more faith, more courage. More Jesus. As Christians, He is the center of our existence, the only thing that matters, the reason why we're on earth. Every moment that has ever and will ever exist has been purposed for His glory. It's no small thing. If all else is stripped away from us, Jesus promises that, even then, we will be complete in Him. Does that make anyone else want to lie prostrate on the floor in worship?

It is knowing this about my Jesus, my Beloved, that makes me bury a tear-stained face in trembling hands and beg for, “More, please? More of You?” 

In my spirit, I feel Him testing me. He’s warning me that with His presence comes dark trials, miserable testing. Cold, dark, crawly places. Facing all that I fear and loath is what, at times, will be required for me to receive what I request.

I take a slow, steady breath. “More, please? Whatever the cost, could I please have more of You? More of You is all I care about, it's all I need. More, please?” 

There’s nothing even remotely remarkable about me. I just really, really love Jesus, and I want to love Him even more...ever more. I have the ultimate –and undeserved –claim upon His strength.

It doesn’t really make sense. How can that which is not seen so absolutely overrule that which is seen? This, like most things in Christianity, cannot be explained, it must be experienced. And no matter how much I think I love Him, He loves me more. and *that* is what enables me to trust Him with my life; the "put together" parts along with the sticky, nasty, disgusting, bloody messes.

Jesus, as long as you are within me, I believe there is nothing I cannot face. But without you, I am less than nothing. Thank You for your always-love, and always-presence. May our desperate cry become, “More, please!” 

"Here in the arms of my Father

only grace can be found, so I lay my fears down.

Nothing is the same anymore,

You've changed me from the inside out.
Now my heart is beating and it's singing...
Even through the good and the bad times
You stay the same. So my song will remain, Lord...

Hold me
Pull me just a little bit closer
I don't want to lose this moment
Your love has covered me
And now I can't get over You."

~ Anthem Lights